Pride and Control vs. Trust and Faith

This past Sunday, even though things went smoothly again, I felt really stressed out and uncomfortable (just ask Devin), and for no good reason! I'm starting to understand what Bob is going through when he is not preaching which is why you'll catch him pacing around frantically in the back of the pub. There's something about the burden of responsibility that makes it really stressful when you are not in control. Even when there is someone preaching who you completely trust (like Chip), it's still difficult for some reason. I need to find away to let go of that burden a little and constantly remind myself that I'm not as important in this whole venture as I probably think I am (subconsciously or otherwise!). I'm guessing that is where the stress comes from, thinking I'm actually going to make or break this thing.

I don't want to live a life where I am constantly beating myself up for what I said or didn't say on Sunday or by how much I feel like people liked what we've got going on. If this is truly about mission and building community, then hopefully we will all carry the burden and when things aren't going well on a Sunday or any other day, people will step up to make it better. What I've got is a problem of faith and a version of God that is too small. May God readjust my vision of Him and just how powerful He really is.

For the second time this summer already Kelli and I have been apart for over a week. This time for me it's been a little easier because I had an intensive class and something going on almost every night so I didn't have a lot of time to sit around and feel sorry for myself that my companion was gone. Although the hardest thing for me is when my wife isn't around on Sundays. For some reason I find a lot of comfort by having my little Tammy Faye around during that time. This is also telling of how much I am dependent on my wife over God. Of course there is a balance, God has given us each other to help each other deal with life and all the struggles and blessings that come with it. But I don't want to tip the scale so much that I am always relying on my wife for comfort and not God. This whole thing continues to be a learning experience! But overall, it's been great and I'm loving it.

Excited for the community dinner tonight! But for now, I'm going to read and then in a little bit I'll probably watch a few horses run around a track. A race that takes 2 minutes, but coverage that will last 4 hours. Interesting.