It's about 2am, i'm sitting here drinking a cold Sam Adams Winter Lager (one of my favorites), listening to Red House Painters, looking out in the back yard which appears to be pitch dark but you can still see the tree line in the distance. Just thinking about what I want to do when I grow up still. It's tough to say. I feel like I will never figure out my "vocation". Is "full time, paid ministry for me?" I'm still not sure. I know ministry is for me in some context but I'm not sure about making my living from it anymore. But then again, what else can I do? I know this is something that several people with Bible College degrees have been through before and it is comforting to know there are people who understand this dilemma. I hope I don't sound like I'm whining all the time or are discouraged because I'm really not, i'm just searching and trying to figure life out like everyone else. Plus it's late at night and I'm drinking beer so of course i'm going to be introspective.
Still trying to finish up my book. I was hoping to be done by the end of the year but i'm not sure it's going to happen. I have quite a bit written so I definitely want to be completed by the summertime. I think that's reasonable. Still have some research to do. As Kelli keeps telling me, I have a lot of time to work on it now and if I don't take advantage of it I am going to regret it when I don't have that kind of time at my disposal anymore. She is right.
Thinking about New York from time to time. Seems like I just left. I can still picture everything vividly in my mind and I miss it somedays. But I also try to remember the reality of it and the difficulties that come with that city to keep things in perspective. My friend Brent Storms said during our last meeting before I left, "I know you'll be back. You just connect with people here and we'll welcome you back when you're ready." Who knows?
Kelli and I are going out to the Northwest this spring to check out Seattle, Vancouver, and Portland to see how we feel there. We're really wanting to be moving on to a new stage by next fall. We're going to enjoy this year and then hope to invest in something meaningful. I would really like to commit to something next fall for a decent period of time. Tampa is okay, but it is so saturated with churches. I just don't want to live in a Church saturated culture. I feel like it can be a hindrance to the gospel. The more I think about it, the more I think we may need to move out of the country to serve the way we would like to. I love what the church is doing in Europe and England. I just want to be in a place where there is a need for another church, or a church at all for that matter. Not in a place where there are churches competing with each other in their programming and buildings on every corner. That depresses the hell out of me. It's why I couldn't wait to leave the Midwest (minus inner-city areas of course). We'll see where God takes us. There is hope.
11 comments:
hey d-bag,
i've been meaning to say something about your processing of this vocation issue for a while. sometime back you said that you were afraid of leaving paid, professional ministry because you didn't know what else you would do. i thought that confession incredibly honest and remarkably important since so many people share the same fear. thank you for voicing the concerns of many.
uncle henri often said that "what is most personal is most universal." your writing and life illustrate an abiding in that important principle.
i'm also planning to respond to your earlier email. sorry for the delay.
Sounds like you're starting to...ask questions. Sam Adams has that effect on people...
I'm all with you on wanting to leave the church saturated culture. I've never thought about leaving the mother city until lately. But really, realness in needed here just as bad as any other place. Except there's much more opposition here. You're more likely to get stoned...like stephen, not dylan.
Early morning ramblings...
What is your book about?
who knew so much was going on while i was soundly sleeping? i love you honey and i'm glad we're on this adventure together. although we both feel a bit unsettled right now, we are enjoying life and where God has us, i'm very thankful for that.
Mrs. KelliFest 2005
Yeah I think back to my time I spent in England and some of the awesome stuff I missed when I left.
I came to this place because the high school was 1600 and I liked the sr. Minister. I had no idea that IN has more churches than IL
:( I wish I could go back to the U.K. in fact I know where i will go.
I am getting to involved with people now and couldn't leave
i am going through some of the same struggles right now...i have recently decided to leave "pro-ministry"...but i have no experience or education outside of the church.
also...i think you should stay in the US. The inner-city is a good place (but i am bias because that is what i want to do)
gentry - thanks man, henri's thought makes a lot of sense. thanks for sharing that.
agent B - that is a great thought. you are absolutely right, those places need realness just as bad, probably more so than any other place. i remember when i was working at a church in nyc and heard that there was a church being planted in Nashville. I instantly responded, "yeah like Nashville needs another church" and the guy i worked with said, "they definitely need a different kind of church." And I realized that he is right, and those people are definitly more likely to be stoned. People talk about how hard it is to plant a church in an unchurched area, i've began thinking it is tougher to plant a church that reaches people the traditional church isn't reaching. you definitely get a lot of resistance, but it isn't from the seekers, that's for sure.
anonymous - only God, Kelli and I know what my book is about. You will know next Fall when it comes out so be patient.
kelli - i love you too and am very excited as well.
adam - nothing wrong with being in teh midwest, they need Jesus too so I hope i'm not sounding like anti-midwest or anything because I think different people are called to different things, it's how the body works and I just don't know where God is wanting me. I know where He is not wanting me and I think that is a good start.
Mikey - have you left "pro-ministry"? What are you doing now?
Dad - that doesn't sound all that bad right now, unfortunately I don't have the right education for it. not sure how that would happen! I was going to teach down here in Florida but I got rejected. I guess a Bible College education doesnt' get you very far in education.
Thank you all for your valuable feedback, i appreciate the wisdom that you all bring to the table and respect your advice very much.
i just read through my response and noticed all of the grammatical errors and misspellings! Wow!
Hey, Russia is Europe, right? We have a huge need for just churches and people to teach. What do I know though. There are tons of Orthodox churches here but such an apathy to actually let faith infiltrate life outside of the traditions. I'd love to have you guys here! Hey, Abbie's coming for a visit in March, you guys could come on over (as if it's that easy!) :-) I've been praying for a team and there are endless options for...well, life, not just ministry or not just bible study, but life lived that impacts Russian people...anyway. I'm in an inspired mood today after another day at the orphanage. God is working here. I'm just watching...
hey this si to flowergirl... actually Russia is asia. but they need churches in Asia too.
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