"solitude becomes really hard when you realize that nobody is thinking about you anymore. Then some place for God might become available in your occupied heart and mind."
Henri Nouwen - The Genesee Diary

This makes a lot of sense to me. I remember when I left New York there was a selfish fear as I was stepping out of the limelight. I was no longer Dustin the missionary in New York City and part time mediocre comedian that people were impressed with. I was left with just Dustin the guy who had no job and got to live in a place with warm weather. I am dealing with the fact that I am no longer asked to speak at missionary conferences or write for any more Relevant Books or give lectures on church planting.

I remember when I first moved down here that I had to keep telling people that I lived in New York for the last three and a half years because somehow it had become part of my identity. Something that I relied on. Something I knew would always make people say, "wow!" Now I had nothing. I was just an average guy who lived in an average city. It has been a crushing blow to my ego to not have something to define me. At least I didn't think I did.

I have had several great breakthroughs in the last 6 months and feel like God has broken through the clouds of my own inflated ego. I was living more for the attention than for God. My ego was getting too big and it was time to step back and refocus on what I was doing and why. I am thankful for the last six months and the time I have gotten to be by myself, to think, to learn, to read, to pray, to sit in silence and try to hear the elusive voice of God. And things are starting to become clearer. I no longer am defined by my career or how impressed people are with me.

I am not defined by my ministry achievements or how people perceive me. I am not defined by how big or how small my church is. In fact, i'm starting to not be concerned with those things at all and that's how I know that God is getting me to come around to the fact that the history of the universe is not dependant upon me. The weight of the world does not rest on my shoulders. What a relief! I don't know where I got the idea that I was so important to the survival of mankind! Where does all the pressure come from? Is it our ministry peers who seem to be doing "great" things for God? Are we trying to keep up? Is it our seminary education that pounds it in to our head that we are the most important people on earth and we better make sure we are prepared for every question and problem that comes our way or people will go to hell? Do we really lack that much faith in God to believe such a lie?

I hope not. I've started to realize that if you are at a church of 50 or 5,000 you can still only impact and shepherd so many people personally. So what do i care if i'm investing in 10 people in a church of 50 or 5,000. If I'm in a church of 50 it just means I don't have to sit through near the number of pointless meetings and spend three days doing administrative managerial work I was never trained to do. I would prefer small myself. The only reason i would want to work at a big church is my own ego. So I could tell people, "yeah I work at Huge Ass Church down the street." Some people work at a big church with pure motives and a good heart and are much more mature than I am to be able to handle it. For others it is all they talk about. "We've got this many people, we've got awesome programs, we're growing every week!"

What are you defined by? I learned the hard way about being defined by what you do and success, it's an endless cycle of ego boosting, flapping your mouth all the time, making sure people know what your doing and how successful you are and I want to be through with that. I pray that God gives me the maturity to realize where my worth really comes from. It's certainly not my success in a career but from a God who loves me. I hope that I can someday sit in a room by myself, rest in God's presence and just know that I am loved without feeling the need to prove myself by my achievements or worry about what others will say about me. I hope someday I can be silent and not care whether anyone is thinking about me or not. Maybe then I will finally hear the voice I've been waiting my entire life to hear.